10.26.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 11:41 am by bolorin
So yesterday was my 42nd birthday. It just doesn’t seem possible to be 42 already. Life is just flying by, although middle of 40 to 41 mostly sucked. It is still surprising to wake up thinking I lived for 42 years and in that time we have gone from 45s, LPs, a brief stint with 8 track, to cassette tapes, to CDs to digital. That is lot of technology changes in music alone. I just don’t feel like that much as time should have passed me by already. Half my expected life is gone and now I am thinking about do I have any money for retirement or old age and how the hell do I stay in shape as I get older. Oye!
Anyway, I celebrated on Saturday with friends, I cooked some food, made some martinis and played some board games. I like that my friends don’t feel too old to play board games and act silly. But as for the actual day yesterday IT SUCKED! In so many ways, but I will say this, after work, the man took me to dinner and we went to see Metropolis, the restored version. I have to say even with the issues we may have, nothing makes me smile like when I get to see him. There is something about that guy. It is nice to know we can talk about politics to video games in one dinner conversation.
Metropolis is a classic and a milestone in movie making for its time. And I think today it still has impact even though it was made in 1927. The themes in the movie are often re-used. And after watching it since the last which was about 15 years ago, it really me this time all the movies and TV shows I can think that have used concepts from the movie and even set designs and stylization concepts. You wonder if the writer and director knew the impact this would have or if they just thought in the moment. And then I think, do I think about the impact of something I can or could do to the future? Is anything I have done in my life going to mean anything to someone else down the road? I don’t know why I get so philosophical as I do, my brain thinks too much.
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10.21.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 10:27 am by bolorin
It has been a bit since my last post, ah the busy life. I have been going through some adjustments and just not sure as I said in my last post if this blog is worth keeping up. But then I find myself drawn back to it to share something, so who knows where it will go. I have been dealing with two debates in my head, 1) should I get involved in the “It Gets Better” campaign and 2) a more personal relationship contemplation matter. I know that sometimes I do get pretty personal on my blog, sometimes I hope I will get comments of others sharing their experience or advice on the issue, you know start a conversation, but that never really seems to happen. Other times I am just venting, because I have no other means of expressing.
Let us tackle the first one. I am very impressed with the It Gets Better project. I think it is one of the few things that Dan Savage has started that I think is a positive message. I admit I have not always been a fan of Mr. Savage, but I have respected the fact that he stands by his beliefs and he has made a difference. I met him once and it could have been just that one time, but it wasn’t a pleasant experience. I found him to be a bit arrogant and a better than you attitude from him, but then again it was just a one-time meeting. Anyway, my point is I have seen many of the videos some I have found to be impressive and some, well I call them “the what was the point” ones. I think Tim Gunn’s was one of the more touching ones. Have to admire that man. I have been toying with idea of doing one. I mean I came from an abusive home, in out of a not so good foster care system. The risk of being beaten and violence done to me was a daily issue; add into that being “different” didn’t help. I was bullied, teased, harassed and many times from my own family and parents as well as the people whose homes I was placed in would call me things such as “sissy boy”, pansy, pussy, faggot, etc. So I got the abuse from all sides, often ending up lying in bed wishing I wouldn’t wake up the next morning. It was not a depression issue at all; it was an issue of being beaten down daily and having nowhere to turn and a lack of available resources especially for me back in the late 70s and early 80s in the states like KY, Tenn. and GA. I want other kids to know you may not have a choice in being born different, but you do have a choice in how you decide to live. I attempted suicide at 17 and was nearly successful, most teens that are homeless and on the street as I was statically speaking are successful. I came very close but after I made the choice to live, and choices later to make my life the best it could be and it did get better, much better. But does the world need one more video of someone saying this. I am not sure? Would I have the impact as such people as Joel Burns has with his emotional story at his city council meeting? I am coming up on 42 this Monday the 25th and life is good overall. I have a great job, wonderful friends, and I am dating a good man. Yes I do continue to have challenges but isn’t that how we grow as humans by how we meet those challenges. How we see them. Maybe I will do one, who knows if I will but it is something I have been thinking about.
Issue two, is by far more personal. I am dating a wonderful guy. He is handsome, educated, stable and most of all affectionate in a way I have not had before. In all counts he is pretty much one of the better men I have had the pleasure to date. And yes after two months, I admit that I do love him. I really do just get excited to see him and his eyes make me melt. I am pretty hopeless at this stage, that sappy romantic in me is L-O-V-I-N-G this! However, I am a very sexual guy. I can have sex every day if the guy I am with is up for it. He however, has a much lower sex drive than I and really doesn’t give sex much thought. It is a frustrating issue (yes there is pun there I know). I look at him and want that honeymoon stage, where we can’t get enough of each other and lots of sex. Well that want for lots of sex doesn’t ever really fade for me. I can’t think the Universe enough for bringing this man into my life; I have grown from this experience. However, I am a little pissed that again I am facing this problem. It has been a major factor in previous relationships and been an aspect of reasons I have broken up with guys or they with me. It seems to be a repeat for me in my long-term relationships. So the questions being pondered, knowing my needs and wants and that I have placed this has important to me in my relationships, how much do I compromise for a good man? Is it something I can live with in committed lifelong partner? What is the Universe saying to me? Saying to him? I mean considering the way we met there was something drawing us together, and to me that means there is something here and I know there is and usually people are drawn together because the relationship offers each of them growth opportunities. Is the Universe saying to him “hey you need to be more open to sex and exploring who you are sexually” and to me “hey sex is important but maybe not as high of importance as I have placed it”. I want this to be a successful relationship for both of us and I need a healthy sex life with in that success. Sometimes I wish I was wired differently, like a lower sex drive or that I wasn’t such a romantic sap that when I am in love with a guy I really don’t want to sleep with anyone else because he is the one I am fantasizing about. Then maybe I could do the whole open thing and this issue would be well I guess moot. I have tried it before and although the urge to fuck was pacified it was still hollow because it wasn’t with the man I wanted it to be. I wish this was talked about more in our community. Whenever anything is said the first thing everyone says is just have an open relationship, as if that solves everything. Open relationships come with their own set of problems. I know it works for some couples and that is great, I don’t think everyone needs to fit into a monogamous relationship but it is not the answer for all of us. And I know other couples who are monogamous have had to face this issue, I would like to know how they have managed to work it out. Well that is what the internet is for, isn’t it? Information. I will just have to do some research and see what is out there that can aide me in addressing this issue. It’s a mission now.
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10.06.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 9:36 am by bolorin
So I was trying to make an effort to post more often, but after my last few posts I saw how few hits my blog gets. I am trying to decide if it is because I don’t really say much that is important or too much about my personal life and not enough on the world and politics around me. I am going to have to rethink this blog concept.
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09.15.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 12:46 pm by bolorin
So I am working on new pieces to my latest series and I have had one piece that just didn’t go anywhere. While I was looking at it, I realized that I hadn’t done a full on color pencil portrait in awhile. I thought “fuck, what if I am not as good at it as I was before.” Sometimes it’s such a fear that my skills will falter and I will not be able to produce work as good as the last piece. I have yet to manage to put that fear aside. I have some pieces that sit unfinished cause they just weren’t going the way they should or I thought I wasn’t doing them as good as other pieces. I know I can’t really compare to works, I mean they are not the same but I do compare my technique and my ability to show the same quality. So those pieces sit in the purgatory of uncompleted works. I am not ready to let them go, but not quite sure how to move them forward. There is a theory that the more quantity of work you produce the more good works you will have, because you are forced to learn and adjust your skills to improve the next piece. Or because you are striving to master some aspect and so you the more you try eventually you will get it. I believe that is true to a degree, but with art each piece as a life of its own. So what I start out striving for becomes second to what is right for this piece for this artwork. Sometimes it’s a hit and sometimes well it’s a total miss. Why can I not have fears about my art? Even if the art is a failure at least I am still creating, right? Is it ego? The next has to be better than the last, that I must conquer and win attitude, but can you really truly ever conquer art or creation of art? Is it a need to have people get your art? I am not sure maybe a combination of all of the above. Either way I know this, it’s a constant struggle to create and good or bad I am always judging one piece against another, even though I know they should stand on their own merits.
Oh and one final note, where are the comments. No one seem to comment on my blog?
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09.09.10
Posted in general life, Uncategorized at 10:36 am by bolorin
Standing on the edge of happiness, that is where I feel I am at. I mean I am happy in my life, things are good, but I am talking about that happiness that comes from feeling like all areas of your life are fulfilled. I have had my up and downs, my doubts, lack of faith you might say over the years about whether I would meet someone who I could finally settle down with and make go at something really long term. Although deep down, there is an optimist in me and still believed that the Universe would introduce that person into my life, I knew it would be up to me to see him and grab the opportunity. Take the risk. I think this has happened in my life in other areas too such as my new job (so grateful for it), I kept looking and believing that an opportunity would show itself and it did and I went for it. Hence here I am in a great job with an organization that does something good and makes a difference. But I digress. So here are the details, cause I keep getting asked. When I got my new job, I decided to celebrate by paying for 3 months of Match.com. I have managed to be successful at losing weight, getting a job and moving my art along and I wanted to take positive steps in my romantic life. After I joined I think I sent winks at about 20+ guys. I had one response back from the winks I sent, but a couple of winks were sent to me. Not a great response but it was a start. Then comes this guy who pops up in my matches at something like a 97% match. I checked out his profile and immediately went back to that part of me that sees someone as “out of my league”. I can’t remember if this was on Friday or Saturday, but none the less, Saturday night I was out with my friends Donald and Todd. We went into Madison Pub and low and behold there he was the same guy. And let me say his pictures did not do him justice at all. I smiled at him as I went by with my friends, and when we sat down I turned to them pointed him out and told them about him showing up in my matches. Now he is tall 6’1”, very guy next door good looking which Donald and Todd don’t see as my type. Truly he is but normally as I said would consider him out of my league. Anyway I commented on how I should go over and talk to him and really wasn’t going to do it, when I remembered what I told myself, if can be bold and jump out of a plane at 13000 feet or grab at an opportunity such as my job then damn it be bold and see this as an opportunity. Maybe the Universe is presenting one, and this is my chance. So I turned to Donald and Todd and said I told myself be bold, take a risk I am going over there. And I did, much to the surprise of my friends. I think Donald later said to me and even said he commented to Todd, “Who is this guy and what have you done with Brandon?” I had a short but nice chat with him at the pinball machines. He even remembered my profile and I said if he was interested in going out to email me on match.com. Well as we already know he did. So it has been 5 dates and I usually a slow mover in this area, but I have to say with him slow doesn’t seem right. When I say sitting on the edge of happiness that is what I mean, as per my last post, do I jump or slowly cautiously make my way down. In my 41 almost 42 years, I have had some men that I have loved and cared for deeply and would never lesson the importance of those. However, I can honestly say that this is the first man I have been with where when we are together it just feels like I belong, if that makes sense. I mean with others I would say to myself, we fit together pretty well, enough to make it work, well obviously they didn’t but at the time that is what I believed. I don’t know if you can tell after a week or not if this is “the one” or the fit, my experiences doesn’t lend me to being all knowing in that area, but I know others who have said they did. I have friends that have been together for years and said they knew on the second date, this person was it. And when I say years I am talking like over 10 to 20. There is longevity behind them. As we can read, from my last post I was bold, but I am still on slight reserve in my sense of abandon and going with what I feel. I am hanging on that edge by a fingertip to be honest, one fingertip away from saying “fuck it! I am crazy about this guy”. Okay shhh keep it quiet, but yeah I am crazy about this guy.
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09.05.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 11:14 am by bolorin
So sitting in my living room, watching Hairspray and contemplating, do you remember when you were young and you would first meet someone and the excitement you got and that sense of abandon you would feel. You didn’t worry about should I be excited, is it too early to feel something, should I jump in. Now that we are older, more seasoned and experienced we seem to be more concerned about these things. I mean it is probably not a bad thing, but do we lose something by letting “experience” make us question are actions and feelings, instead of just enjoying the moment to its fullest and going with what you feel. I am currently experiencing this myself. Don’t get me wrong I am thoroughly enjoying the moment so to speak, but there is a part that wants to just let go and be that young guy again who just jumps in and let the emotions fall where they fall. I just met this guy recently and I have to say it has been a long time since I have met someone who when I look at him I just sigh, smile a little and think “Wow”. I just feel good being around him. I know he might read this and if he does, well at least he knows where I am coming from. But this brings me to the question, where or how do you find that balance? I don’t want to wake up down the road a bit and think to myself damn, why didn’t I just go for it? I made a promise to myself that I was going to work to be more true to myself. I successfully lost 40lbs, I finally landed a job, I am actively pursuing art shows and I want to be bold and direct when it comes to dating. So I am going to go with bold, abandon and what I feel. Here’s to doing things differently and going for it!
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09.01.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 7:03 am by bolorin
You know how sometimes the Universe brings good things your way and it is almost a slight surprise but a pleasant one. I don’t know if it is just my time or if karma is in my favor, but the new job, the weight loss, and now a surprising and enjoyable evening with a pretty darn good guy. It just gives me such a feeling of “Yeah, life is good”. Regardless if anything comes from the date, I can say this, it felt good to feel that I am someone this guy would go out with. A definite step up. And these days you have to grateful for those little unexpected things as well as the big things when they come along. Now Universe about that art show?
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08.21.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:44 pm by bolorin
So Friday I was offered a position. After a year and half of being out of work, I am now one of the working. I accepted the job of course. The great thing about this is it is a job with a purpose and in an organization with a purpose. It is with the National CASA (National Court Appointed Special Advocates. Their website is www.casaforchildren.org. CASA volunteers are appointed by judges to watch over and advocate for abused and neglected children, to make sure they don’t get lost in the overburdened legal and social service system or languish in an inappropriate group or foster home.
I am looking forward to this new opportunity.
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08.16.10
Posted in general life at 7:29 pm by bolorin
So I have been toiling with various ideas of what to do on my blog. Things such as doing a weekly vlog on topics of interest to me, or doing music reviews or as one friend suggested sharing stories of my childhood. Although that could lead to some, well with my family might be a bad idea but I kinda doubt they even read it. And your probably wondering what is the “interesting idea”, well it isn’t mine. I read several different blogs on topics of news, music, etc. In one of them, there was a link to a site called “30 dates. 30 days. 30 cities.” It is a site devoted to a rather creative way for this guy to date and hopefully find his soulmaate, by Kevin Richberg, a 32-year-old gay man from Boston. Now I admit to being tempted to proprose a date but lets be real, an unemployed, 42 year old guy isn’t exactly a catch. But I give this guy kudos for doing something bold and daring. He is not even asking for photos of the guys that proprose the dates. He is really putting himself out there and being open to what adventure comes is way. He is also a pretty damn good looking guy. I honestly have to say if I wish I had thought of it. I suggest checking out this article on goodmenproject.com and to check out the site I will post the links at the end of this post.
It is an inspiring idea, I mean with the hope that my interview tomorrow with National CASA.org goes well and I get the job. And let me say I really want this job for more than just to have a job reason, but for what the org does and who helps. But I digress. Maybe I should come up with my own inspiring idea like 30 dates, 30 days, the Seattle version. I mean I admit that I am not bad on my own, but I want someone to share life with. Yes I know I have said it before, blah, blah…. but it is good to put it out in the Universe. I guess what I am saying is I need an inspired idea myself and for more than just my blog. As for Kevin Richberg, I wish him good luck on this adventure and hope he posts about his dates. I am very curious to see how this adventure or experiment in dating pans out.
http://goodmenproject.com/2010/08/16/30-dates-30-days-30-cities/
http://www.30dates30days30cities.com
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08.02.10
Posted in Uncategorized at 4:00 pm by bolorin
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